I remember it as though it were yesterday.

I was working in L&D, it was 3 years ago. They were a couple expecting their first child. She was 26 years old. She came in for an assessment as she hadn't felt her baby move for 5 hrs. She was 38 weeks pregnant. I remember I took her vitals, all were fine but her heartrate was elevated at 136bpm. Then I went to find the baby's heartrate. All I found was 136bpm. It was the mother's heart, not the baby's. I searched again for about 20 minutes and found nothing, only mom's. The time was about 2am, so the other nurse on duty called the Dr. She immediately came in and ordered an emergency u/s. The baby was full term, but dead. I think that was one of the hardest moments I had ever had during my career. I wondered how could anyone cope with this kind of news, how do you go on, after losing a child? Especially this way?

Thursday I received news that not one but 2 of my babies were dead. It was awful. I had the D./C yesterday. It's over. It just feels like a bad dream. I know they weren't anywhere near full/term but it's still so hard to deal with.

What do I do now? The unintended preg.nancy has now ended, but I find myself wanting another more now than ever.