My family of 5

Saturday, December 30, 2006

I remember it as though it were yesterday.

I was working in L&D, it was 3 years ago. They were a couple expecting their first child. She was 26 years old. She came in for an assessment as she hadn't felt her baby move for 5 hrs. She was 38 weeks pregnant. I remember I took her vitals, all were fine but her heartrate was elevated at 136bpm. Then I went to find the baby's heartrate. All I found was 136bpm. It was the mother's heart, not the baby's. I searched again for about 20 minutes and found nothing, only mom's. The time was about 2am, so the other nurse on duty called the Dr. She immediately came in and ordered an emergency u/s. The baby was full term, but dead. I think that was one of the hardest moments I had ever had during my career. I wondered how could anyone cope with this kind of news, how do you go on, after losing a child? Especially this way?

Thursday I received news that not one but 2 of my babies were dead. It was awful. I had the D./C yesterday. It's over. It just feels like a bad dream. I know they weren't anywhere near full/term but it's still so hard to deal with.

What do I do now? The unintended preg.nancy has now ended, but I find myself wanting another more now than ever.

45 Comments:

At 1:17 PM , Blogger Shana said...

I am so so sorry. (((hugs)))

 
At 1:57 PM , Blogger nailgirl said...

oh my gosh i am so sorry, I KNOW JUST HOW YOU FEEL I LOST ONE IN 2005, ONLY TO BE PG AGAIN 10 DAYS LATER WITH MY SWEET LITTLE CAMERON. HUGS. I KNOW MORE BABIES ARE IN THE WORKS FOR YOU.

 
At 1:58 PM , Blogger Kristin said...

I read this & cried. You & your family are in my thoughts.

 
At 2:11 PM , Blogger Merr said...

Oh no, I am so sorry! That is terrible.

 
At 2:32 PM , Blogger alissa said...

Oh my... I am so very sorry for you...

 
At 3:44 PM , Blogger Lisanne said...

Words can't express how sorry I am for your two losses. I will pray for you tonight. Sending hugs your way ... and yes, I do believe that more children are in the future for you guys. I am *so* very sorry.

 
At 4:03 PM , Blogger Ashley said...

I am so sorry - I will keep you in my thoughts.

 
At 4:41 PM , Anonymous Hoping said...

Oh I am so sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers.....

 
At 5:20 PM , Blogger Whitney said...

I am so, so sorry. I haven't ever dealt with anything like this so I'm not going to pretend I know how you feel. Just know that you'll be in my prayers.

 
At 5:47 PM , Blogger jenhen said...

omg. I am so so sorry. I wish I had something adequate to say...

You are all in my thoughts....

((hugs))

 
At 5:58 PM , Blogger Sabrina said...

Big Hugs. I am so sorry.

 
At 6:03 PM , Blogger Heather Noel said...

I'm so sorry!! I hope you dont get tired of hearing it. My thoughts are with you. Lots of hugs, and prayers...{{hugs}}

 
At 6:53 PM , Blogger Tonya said...

*hugs* emma

 
At 7:21 PM , Blogger Emma in Canada said...

Oh, I am so sad for you. It is the most heartbreaking news in the world, whether it was a planned pregnancy or not.

 
At 7:57 PM , Blogger Karen said...

Awww, I went through the same (with one, not two), but no one can say anything to make it better. Just know we're all thinking about you...

 
At 8:38 PM , Blogger Julie said...

Today has been a tough day for me... for similar, yet completely different reasons! I am so sorry you lost your little surprise miracles! I lived that heartbreak for 28 days a year ago. Today I am reminded of how close I came to loosing them, and how much we overcame to get here. Hugs... for you and your special little ones!

 
At 9:55 PM , Anonymous Erin said...

Sweetheart.......I am so sorry for the loss you have had.

There are people out there/support groups for you...I am thinking about you. My heart goes out to you sweetie....

 
At 10:42 PM , Blogger miraclebaby said...

I'm so sorry. Please email me if you need to talk. Heck, even call me (i'll give you my number if you want) if you need to. Losing a baby was the worst experience I had, and it doesn't matter that they were still small. They were still babies no matter what anyone says. Please feel free to grieve for them. Name them if you need to. I wish I could be there to give you a big hug.

And wanting another one is so normal. Even though I have had one now I still have that ache.

 
At 11:26 PM , Blogger Ashley & Charles said...

I'm so so sorry.

 
At 11:33 PM , Anonymous Ericka said...

Im so sorry. I always enjoy reading your blog and seeing your cute babies. You are in my prayers.

 
At 12:06 AM , Blogger Suzanne said...

I'm so sorry. You are in my prayers...

 
At 1:26 AM , Anonymous Sara said...

I lost three on my quest to become a mom and they each feel like they happened yesterday. I am so, so sorry. I am crying as I write this because I know how hard it is to feel what you are feeling. If you need anything, I am here for you.

 
At 2:09 AM , Blogger my4kids said...

Sent from miraclebabyb's blog. Just wanted to stop by and say I'm sorry your lost your babies....

 
At 4:28 AM , Blogger Mommy Mia! said...

I can't begin to imagine how much you must be hurting right now. I'm so so sorry.

 
At 9:21 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. I lost a pregnancy over 11 years ago, at 15 weeks. I went on to have another child (my 3rd), who is now 10 years old. Time helps.

 
At 12:04 PM , Blogger Catherine said...

I'm here from Becci's blog to let you know how very sorry I am.

 
At 2:19 PM , Blogger Shannon said...

I can't even imagine what you are going through... I'm praying for you and so is my church!! Hugs!

 
At 3:27 PM , Blogger canape said...

I am so sorry, and stand right there with you. This is completely not right or fair. I am so very sorry.

 
At 4:21 PM , Blogger Petunia said...

I am so sorry. I miscarried my first pregnancy so I know how devastating this is for you. I believe everything happens for a reason and time does heal. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 
At 4:36 PM , Anonymous Valkyrie said...

My heart is ABSOLUTELY BROKEN for you. To feel the excitement initially, and seeing those little heartbeats only to lose them again. Seeing my bubs heart going the first time is what made it real for me. Your loss is so very real. I am SO very sorry for you. I know the 'mental' plans you would have been making subconsciously and it just makes it hurt all the more. Try to think of it as them being SUCH wonderful souls that God decided he wanted them back! Or that there is somewhere on earth where there is a woman who's been trying forEVER to get pregnant, who's now pregnant with twins no less. They're not gone. They never will be - perhaps they've just been 're-assigned'. I hope you don't think I'm nuts I just think that we're all connected this way. If you're up for trying again (although I know you weren't trying the first time) I say go for it. If you're not, then just go and hug your kids (and with four of them that's a lot of love) and remember how precious they are. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

 
At 5:14 PM , Blogger DrilGrrl said...

Thank you for your thoughts on our blog--you have our sympathy for your loss.

 
At 6:52 PM , Blogger purple_kangaroo said...

Hugs. I'm so sorry.

 
At 9:01 PM , Blogger Real Life in South Carolina said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been there before. It doesn't matter how far along a woman is in her pregnancy - it still hurts. You're in my prayers.

 
At 11:51 PM , Blogger Lori said...

((((hugs)))

It doesn't matter whether they were intended or not...they were loved, and they will be missed.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers....

 
At 12:52 PM , Blogger MSUgal86 said...

my heart and prayers are with you.

 
At 7:51 PM , Blogger Hannah said...

I'm so very sorry. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

 
At 10:03 PM , Anonymous Heidi said...

I am so sorry. My prayers are with you and your family. Big hugs.

 
At 10:58 PM , Anonymous Mary Boston said...

I read this and immediately started crying. My husband suggested that we pray for you. so we just did. I'll continue to pray for you. I have no idea what that must be like.

 
At 12:18 AM , Blogger Lizzy said...

there simply are no words.

i'm so sorry.

 
At 11:49 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh EK, I am so sorry.

~Beebop
www.beebopaloobop.blogspot.com

 
At 4:56 PM , Blogger Josefina said...

I'm number 41 but yet...I'm sooooo sorry....specially because we were so close in due date!!!

I hope your family helps you get through this but it's ok to grieve all the time you consider necessary....

Hugs!!

 
At 11:57 PM , Blogger Amber said...

Delurking to say my heart is going out to you right now. What incredibly sad news...may God hold you close during this really tough time.

† Amber

 
At 10:54 AM , Blogger Jessica said...

Oh Sweetie, I'm so sorry! I know there are no words I can say to make things better, but I'm thinking of you.

 
At 11:02 AM , Blogger Christina said...

Deepest sympathies.

 
At 10:23 AM , Blogger Claudia said...

I just got back and am catching up now.

I'm so sorry.

 

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