I remember it as though it were yesterday.

I was working in L&D, it was 3 years ago. They were a couple expecting their first child. She was 26 years old. She came in for an assessment as she hadn't felt her baby move for 5 hrs. She was 38 weeks pregnant. I remember I took her vitals, all were fine but her heartrate was elevated at 136bpm. Then I went to find the baby's heartrate. All I found was 136bpm. It was the mother's heart, not the baby's. I searched again for about 20 minutes and found nothing, only mom's. The time was about 2am, so the other nurse on duty called the Dr. She immediately came in and ordered an emergency u/s. The baby was full term, but dead. I think that was one of the hardest moments I had ever had during my career. I wondered how could anyone cope with this kind of news, how do you go on, after losing a child? Especially this way?

Thursday I received news that not one but 2 of my babies were dead. It was awful. I had the D./C yesterday. It's over. It just feels like a bad dream. I know they weren't anywhere near full/term but it's still so hard to deal with.

What do I do now? The unintended preg.nancy has now ended, but I find myself wanting another more now than ever.

Well the u/s is over and done with.

There are 2 babies, however, and yes there is a however, the heartbeats are on the "lowish" side as per my Dr. So, repeat u/s in another week. Could anything be simple here? One baby is measuring in at 7w and the other is measuring at 7w2d. All I can say is it's been a long day. A little more than I expected to hear right now, just hope that the next u/s is a positive one, I'm getting sick of making myself worry. Thank goodness for the holidays, at least this will keep my mind off things for a bit.

Tomorrow is the big day! I can't wait to find out what's going on in there. I'm just praying for good news, since my symptoms aren't as bad. :(

Anyway, I am now about half way done of my wrapping and totally finished shopping. I can't wait to be completely finished!

The kids are getting soo excited about Christmas coming. I still can't believe it's only 4 days away. Where did that time go? It sure crept up on us this year. After that I return to full time work in less than a month. Ugh. If only I could stay home indefinately. Oh well that's not an option for me, and I've been very fortunate to have had the time to stay home, but who am I kidding, who wouldn't want to stay home to raise their kids?

Anyway, must get to sleep, so tired. I'll post when I find out some new tomorrow. Take care all.

Random Thoughts

-Started wrapping up some presents, I'm about maybe a 1/4 done of what I have to do! Argh, 4 kids to buy for what will I do next year with 5 (maybe6)? I still have a few things to buy, hopefully I can find them.

-I've been so emotional lately. I've been trying to just keep this to hubby and I, but it's not going so well. The kids have seen me cry on occasion for nothing at all. Just hope the oldest doesn't catch on yet. The nausea is starting to not be as bad, I hope that isn't a bad sign and the heartburn is just raging. Also the peeing, is driving me nuts and finally the spotting is back again, but only light. This is going to be a killer of a week trying to wait until Thursday to find out if one or 2 are alright. :(

-Worked again the other night. I'm loving the nur.sing hom.e more and more these days, it's such a relaxing place, BUT my boss, isn't my favorite person. Remember how I didn't want to work New Yr/s. Well I let them know that about 2 weeks ago, figured that was plenty of time to find a replacement, rather than short notice, anyway, she got all cranky calling me actually threatening my job. That's when I had to take out the guns and let her know that I contacted my uni.on re.p and know what I'm talking about and blah blah, she has no grounds for this, nor any right to termina.te my position, blah blah. To make a long story short, I was right and she was wrong. How often does that happen?? LOL. So I have it off. Personally I could care less if I worked it but hubby wanted me home with him, so I would rather work be pissy instead of my hubby.

-I got the kids school pics the other day. When my scanner stops being so anal I'll post a pic of them, it's just too cute!

I guess I should start making breakfast for the crew, they are all out looking for stuff, since they just woke up. That's another thing, I have bouts of insomnia now, nice eh? Just get the baby to sleep all night and I can't. Go figure!~

Well I'm still alive and kicking. The spotting surprisingly has stopped. So far, so good. We all know how things can change quickly though, look how quick it came on. BUT I'm going to think positive thoughts for now, what's worrying going to do? It's not going to change anything so, I will enjoy it now, and puke and whatnot until next Thursday to see if we'll be expecting 2 instead of just one little bambino! I'm not sure what the heck to think of having 2. Like I just said, I'll deal with that if it is meant to be. I just can't stop having these headaches. I sure wish that would let up. That is the killer right now.

Anyway, off to wrap some presents and hopefully get in the Christmas mood. Thanks for all the prayers, we sure needed them.

So I went for my u/s today. Turns out that I have yet another sub.chorionic hem.atoma, bigger than last time. Great, the Dr. is saying it's a "threatened miscarriage". We did see the sacs and one with a heartbeat.

I guess I should clarify, there are 2 sacs, both with feta.l pole/s, one had a heartbeat flicking away, the other they couldn't see a heartbeat. She's sending me for the u/s next week to see if the other will develop.

Update

I finally got a hold of the Dr. earlier today. She has me booked in for an u/s tomorrow at 3pm. Still spotting off and on all day. I have been in a shi**y mood considering most likely the inevitable. I just hope all goes well.

Scared....

I woke up this morning to "more" cramping than usual. I had some spotting, more than I am comfortable with, dark red in color. I'm really nervous, This is exactly what happened with A last year. It was a sub.chorionic hem.atoma then. URGH. At least she's here and healthy. I am going to call the Dr.'s office and see what she has to say, I know there's not much of anything they can do at this point, but I'll call to make sure.

Just when you are starting to get used to something....

I'll post when I know anything. :(

Just wanted to say.....

that I hate blogger beta. I haven't changed, but I can only sometimes, VERY RARELY comment on blogs with this! ACK!

This is what happens when you try to get all 4 kids in a picture!

These pictures were taken the night of the kids Christmas concert. I laugh everytime I look at this first one. haha.

Well, went to the Dr. today. All is fine with me, she's going to send me for an u/s to find out exactly the due date, so that should be within the next couple of weeks.

Also, my son had bloodwork done last week, turns out the boy has c.eliac disease. Now we have an answer to most of his problems, this is most likely the cause of his learning troubles, obvious weight problems and so on. She's also testing me for it too, I could be the really lucky person to have croh.ns'/coliti.s, with ce.liac disease all wrapped in one. The odds are low, hell why couldn't I win the lottery??LOL. Oh well things could be worse. He's being referred to a pediatrician and dietician now. I'm just happy we know what has been causing all his sickness.

Basically with ce.liac disease, he has an allergy to gl.uten which is commonly found in wheat, grains, etc. To get relief from his symptoms, he has to follow a strict diet, if you "cheat" it's basically back to square one. It's getting easier to find products that are gl.uten free, so that's a relief. Poor bugger, as long as I can remember he's always been the "sickly" one. I had often said to hubby, if anyone will end up sick like me it'll be him. She's also testing him for ref.lux too with an Uppe.r G.I. series test next month. Here's a link if you're interested in knowing all of it http://healthlink.mcw.edu/article/956622658.html Just copy and paste.

The mornings are the hardest for me, right now I'm drinking ginger ale and eating crackers hoping to not puke. :( I get frequent headaches and have been losing weight. Oh I hope I feel better soon. Anyway, gotta go make breakfast, and hopefully not lose mine as I'm doing it ;)

This is a meme stolen from Heather It had some questions I have never answered so here goes.

1. Explain what ended your last relationship? This would be the relationship in which I had my firstborn at the lovely age of 17. I would say his addiction to cocaine would be my reason~! He wasn't like that at first, but once the baby was born, he started with "mild" drugs, ie. mari.juana. Then he went too far with his coke habit. I left him, and figured if I were to provide a real life for my daughter, being with him was no way.

2. When was the last time you shaved? oh my, 3 days ago. I know, I should be ashamed of myself.

3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.? Making hubby his breakfast, he had just gotten home from a backshift.

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago? Making a meatloaf, it's in the oven cooking now.

5. Are you any good at math? Yes, I love it, it was always my favorite subject that and chemistry.

6. Your prom night? I went with a guy friend of mine. My coke head boyfriend at the time wouldn't take me. Anyway, we did the whole thing with showing off the gowns and whatnot then I went home an hour afterwards at like 9pm to my 2 1/2 month old daughter.

7. Have you had to take a loan out for school? Hell yes, like 70,000. I know I'm gagging at the thoughts of repaying this. My word of assvice for all you, make up your mind and only get one degree, don't go for 2, you'll pay!~

8. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile? I don't use it.

9. Last thing received in the mail? Bills.

10. How many different beverages have you had today? I had diet Pepsi and some lemonade.

11. Do you ever leave messages on peoples answering machine? Sometimes, well my good friend S who stood in my wedding I leave silly messages.

12. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? Ok, I have never gone to a concert!

13. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? No, I usually make sandcastles.

14. What was the most painful dental procedure you have had? Was when I had posts put in one of my teeth and then had it capped. It was quite painful, it now needs a root canal, the thoughts of that scares me. Oh and braces were VERY painful. Not the actual application of them, the whole tightening them up once a month with burning, torturous pain, that was bad.

15. What is out your back door? A deck.

16. Any plans for Friday night? No every night is the same here.

17. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair? Not at all, it's nasty!

18. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns? No I haven't.

19. Have you ever been to a planetarium? Nope.

20. Do you re-use towels after you shower? Yes. Only once.

21. Some things you are excited about? Christmas. Both hubby and I will be home it'll be great.

22. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO? Strawberry and raspberry. I used to gag at the thoughts of it when I was pregnant with my 3rd child.

23. Describe your keychain(s)? It has an alien that my daughter got me when she was away. :)

24. Where do you keep your change? On my dresser.

25. What kind of winter coat do you own? It's a 3 in one thing. It's pink.

26. What was the weather like on your graduation day? I don't remember my highschool graduation day, but for my BBA it was warm and sunny and for my BScN it was windy and sunny. Cooler that day. They were both in May. One 2003 and one 2005.

27. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? Open, gotta hear if one of the kids are getting up.

28. Tag three people. Whoever 3 on my blogroll want to do it!

I have been such a scatterbrain lately. I feel as though I could be thinking of one thing and totally say something different. Must be those hormones that are doing it to me. hehe. Hey I need something to blame :) Lets see, an update on how I am feeling well, pukarific, along with daily headaches and dizziness. I'm convinced this one is a boy. I was only ever dizzy and lightheaded with my son. I'm frozen all the time, well that's not just reserved for pregnancy. I am down to 110lbs and I'm noticing it in this weather! Not as much insulation on me, hehe. Other than that, I feel fine, found myself tearful as I watched Toy Sto.ry 2 last night. HAHA, I know, only 8 more months of this. :) I still don't really know what to think about this, I'm still in disbelief. I guess the reality of it all will kick in eventually, I guess I have no choice.

We're getting a lovely snowstorm here right now. Just what I wanted! I drove home from my mother's and slid all over the highway and then didn't make it one foot up my driveway, so I had to walk up the hill (it's a steep, slippery, cold f'in wet hill covered in snow) Ahhh the joys of country life :P

I watched Cler.ks 2 last night. It had it's moments. I laughed, quite a bit and was repulsed by quite a bit of it. LOL. I never saw the first one, so I have nothing to base this on. It was something to watch, since TV licks on Monday nights, as well as Tuesday. LOL.

I'm pretty freakin' tired right now, so I think I shall snuggle up with my little A and go to sleep.

So we went out and cut down a Christmas tree today. The baby slept through all of it. lol. After about 30 minutes of searching for the "perfect" tree hubby cut down this one. The children and I decorated it today. Isn't it great?? LOL. Far too many ornaments down low, and guess who's trying to rip it down already?



We went to supper at the inlaws, I forced myself to go and be polite for hubby's sake. He wants everyone to "get along" so like a good little wifey, I went up and played his game. BLAH, make me sick, but hey I was nice. It's progress.

We fed the baby some spaghetti beef baby food and she loved it, actually she loved it so much she was trying to "talk" with her mouth full. Isn't this cute??



And of course the after shot. HAHAHA. I think I have a picture of all my children full of the lovely tomato sauce face look and my parents have one of me as a baby. I should scan it someday and post it. :)

I was cleaning up this morning since the Christmas party for work is tonight. The work I had mentioned in my previous post about the whole assness of being all superior saying I "HAVE" to work certain shifts. Apparently there are good prizes there and I'm going to try and get one! LOL.

As I was saying, while I was cleaning up I was scrubbing my kitchen floor with Mr. Clean, it's blue in color and is like some kind of fresh breeze scent. Yah, it made me barf. Nice eh? I am forever scarred at the smell of that cleaner! Just thinking of it makes me gag.

Oh the other night, my sitter that we had booked for us in February bailed on us. She just called and said, my daughter needs a sitter now, so I'm not available. I'm like what the hell??? Who does that? She was all like, It's hard to find a sitter these days, it is my grandchildren (yes, she has a point, I would also ditch me for my own grandkids, I mean it makes sense) I'm just annoyed that I have to search all over again. Anyway, hubby was the one who was talking to her and he's all like, "yes I understand it is hard to find someone "reliable". I wonder if she got the hint....

OH enough about my whining!

I did it agian, I spent WAYYY too much on Xmas stuff. I finally found D.ance rev.olution for my oldest! She's going to be super excited when she gets it, I gave her this BS story about how it's unavailable around here (well that is true, you can't buy it here, it sells out super quick) but my friend went away and she found it so whooo hooo we gots it!

We bought the baby some cute little toys, this toy machine that balls pop out of and a push type of toy thing, for when she's in the pre-walking in phase (ie. now) I think out of all the kids, she seems to have the most things, but of course hers are so much cheaper.

Anyway, starting to feel a bit better from my spew fest earlier, must go continue cleaning, hopefully this bad ass headache will let up and I'll feel human again.

I am starting to feel a bit better so I will make a better attempt at a post.

First off, a big congratulations to Jessica . She had a baby girl and I'm sure she's beautiful. Can't wait to see some pics :)

Anyway, I'm going to complain about my current work situation. They have me booked in to work on New Yrs eve and New Yrs nights. The nurse in charge is trying to tell me I "have" to work them both. I'm still off on parental leave and I'm not obligated to work anything at the present time. I had contacted the union representative and she explained I don't have to do either shift and they cannot terminate my position, etc. Actually working both, I'm not going to benefit anything since I'll be paying for a sitter to do one of those shifts. Hubby doesn't want me to do either one of the shifts but I feel bad and think I should at least do one to help them out. We'll see.

So like I posted earlier I am starting to get nauseated, no actual puking just yet, but I'm sure that'll come soon enough. I am however in another flare up of my crohn's. I have a feeling this will be just as rough as last time. I'm on 50mg of pre.dnisone again. I am going to make a Dr. appointment for sometime next week. I think I'm more nervous to tell her than I was to tell hubby! haha.